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Ned. Home. New life.
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Guest Entry -- Bindyree
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WTF???
-- 2005-10-16

Morality question...
-- 2005-10-07

The creepiest thing...
-- 2005-10-04




Death. And why I'm not afraid anymore.

2005-02-26 - 4:54 p.m.

Two entries ago, I answered a question from the February 25th Friday Five. The question was: If you couldn't die until you helped someone, would you rather live forever selfishly or die earlier?

My answer was: Die earlier. I love helping people -- whenever I can. I'm not afraid to die one bit. I'm afraid to die alone and/or in pain. My DiaryLand friend Wendy had left the comment that it was a great answer. Thanks, sweetie!

Dying is a very big issue in my life, but it's one I've come to terms with a few years ago. I used to be downright petrified of kicking the bucket. But one life-altering event changed that.

I almost died.

About four years ago, I was living in Binghamton, NY. I had moved out from my ex-boyfriend's house, and rented a room. I made a decent living, but my alcohol consumption was far more important to me than living in a decent place. The room that I rented came with a refrigerator. That was it. The bathroom and kitchen were shared, and you can imagine how many trips I made up and down the stairs to relieve myself. (With all of the drinking)

I remember being off from work for five days. I had vacation time, and I took it -- but I didn't take a vacation. I binged. I drank upwards of five twelve-packs of cheap beer, and was constantly passing out. The beer ran dry, so I took a shower (which I luckily made it through), and headed out the door to buy more beer. On my way to the store, I collapsed right in the middle of the sidewalk in downtown Binghamton. Someone saw me, called an ambulance, and into detox I went.

When I fell, I skidded my face across the sidewalk, and fractured my left shoulder and a few ribs. You don't even want to know how bad the bruise looked. (But I'm gonna tell ya!) It was black, and covered my entire chest and 1/2 of my back.

Anyway, that's what happened. When I went down, I believe that I felt what it would be like to die, therefore ridding me of my fear of death.

When I was young, I honestly didn't know that everyone died. I thought that some people just got old and passed away, and that others lived forever. I don't think it was until I was 7 or 8 that I had found out, and I cried for hours. "Don't worry", said my Mom, "it's not going to happen for a long, long time." But I worried nonetheless.

One movie scared the piss out of me. "The Day After" was a television movie that induced what I think to be my first panic attack. The movie was about nuclear holocaust, and for YEARS I worried that that was how we were all going to die. I even remember waking up in the middle of the night, and turning on the television during a fictional film. In it, the man had said that "No less than 17 nuclear bombs were heading toward the USA." I freaked out and called my mother at work, and scared the piss out of her as well... But like I said, it was a fictional program, and I caught wind of it later on.

I think those were the two things that shaped me in my youth, and quite possibly made me the neurotic mess of a person that I am. I may not fear death anymore -- but I sure as hell worry about the stupidest of things.

My belief system is this. I know that Christians and Jews and Muslims and Buddhists and Catholics all think they have the world figured out. You live life, you do good, you go to Heaven or a higher plane of existence. I, as a Pagan, feel that I am the enlightened one. I don't think there's anything waiting for me, and I rather fancy that notion. I believe it's in our best interest to do good everyday -- not because there's some sort of reward waiting for you upon your demise. Doing good things makes me feel good, and when I help somebody, I do it for them. The great feeling I get from doing it is just icing.

I look at death as just this. An eternal rest, without dream. I love to sleep. You all know that. And if sleeping forever is life's greatest reward -- count me in.

Jamie

p.s. No, I am not knocking anyone's belief system. If it works for you, great. But don't try to save my soul, please and thank you. Diversity is the spice of life!


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