Friends? Not anymore.

2005-03-03 - 10:56 p.m.

So yeah. The letter. Okay, okay. I realize I left him. But I did find a replacement when I left, I did show up for work every day after he gave me my 'second chance', and I've never stolen or asked to borrow a penny from him. Forget all of that.

I suppose after all of this writing I've done, you can tell I'm a little upset -- but it's not because he doesn't want me back -- and I know now that I need to keep looking. It was because of the content of the letter, in which he mentioned something about trust, or lack thereof. How exactly did *I* betray his trust? I told the truth. I told him I had a problem with alcohol, it affected my work, and I was sorry. I was sorry. I'm not even going to go into how he listened to one of those people's stories about me that possibly swayed him to discredit me.

He mentioned that we parted as 'friends'. In my summation, friendship goes hand in hand with trust, and if trust isn't two-sided, there is nothing there. Sorry, 'bud'. You aren't my friend. Not anymore.

And this, folks -- is why many of my friendships seem to be so short-lived. I'm tired of constantly defending myself and trying to explain where things went wrong in my life.

I once had a boyfriend who took me to Toronto, Canada for a weekend. It was lovely. I had fun. I thought WE had fun. Halfway home, he told me that I had been such a prick on the trip that he had half a mind to make me walk home. Needless to say, when we got back, I dumped him. I don't take threats lightly.

I ran into him a week later, and he cornered me in a club. "Don't ever make decisions that affect both of us. We make those decisions together."

Oh no we fucking don't!

The reason that I brought that up, is because if I feel that I am putting 101% into a relationship of any kind, and the other party is putting in 99% -- it isn't going to work. All relationships need to be nurtured, and to grow. Otherwise, in my eyes, they are doomed. It's not that I expect the world -- just what I give to be, at the very least, returned. I'm talking about those invisible pieces of friendship -- the tiny fragments that keep it fresh and alive. The trust. The love. Sharing. Nurturing. Support.

I may be down a friend, but I'm glad I'm wise enough to choose a select few people that actually 'get it', and who are worthy of my time and energy. Thanks to all of you who complete me as a person, everyday. You know who you are.

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Anyway, please forgive the rant. I hope it wasn't as draining to read as it was for me to type. I'm going now to go make a little something for my friend Kiosh. I'll be back tho. Probably with something a little less irritating to read. ;-)

XOXOX,

Jamie